Friday, 12 December 2008

Holidays blues and overeating and all

that is my one-sentence summary of the past weeks.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

The Emperor of Ice Cream

Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

Take from the dresser of deal,
Lacking the three glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream
-Wallace Stevens

I am diggin' that guy right now

Thursday, 9 October 2008

I wish I was a cat


they are generally happy and no one looks down on them for sleeping all day.


1. When your home alone, do you still close the door when you use the restroom?
yes, if it's number two

2. (door shuts)

If you have to go grocery shopping, would you rather go alone or with someone?
alone

3.

Its your friends birthday, do you buy them a gift even though they didnt buy you one for yours?
sure

4. You win the lottery.

What do you do?
jump up and down and go WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

5.

Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level?
reasonable i think

6.

Are you a beach person or a snowy mountain person?
i'm a bitch person

7.

When do you prefer to take a shower, morning or night?
morning

8.

Can you watch scary movies alone?
depends how scary it is

9.

Soft bed or firm?
firm

10.

Would you rather stay home all day, or be out and about?
depends on the day

11.

What's one of your worst memories?
don't bring up bad memories geeeeez

12.

Do you like to keep the peace or be confrontational?
Confrontation can be fun

13.

Are you more likely to be with a large group of people or a few close friends?
the few, or the one

What are your plans for October?
same ol chit

15.

If money were not a problem, where would you like to live?
Albany hehehehheheh

16.

What is your ideal profession?
something creative

17.

Are you close to your Mom and Dad?
yeah

18.

What is one fear that you can't seem to overcome?
fear of loss

19.

Are you good at math?
all right

20.

Whats stashed under your bed?
a few shoes

21.

Is there anyone that you regret ever meeting?
not really, if you think about it hard enough

22.

In the opposite sex, where should their piercing(s) be?
they should have a Prince Alberts so I can laugh at them when they sit down to pee!

23.

Would you rather have roommates or live alone?
back in that day living alone was best.


24.

Do you like any of your friends a little more than just a friend?
i like a few like a BFF

25.

Do you like to drive?
eh

26.

Ever puke?
yes!

27.

If you found out that you were going to be a parent, what would you do?
freak out
le freak, c'est chic

28.

Do you give money to homeless people when they ask?
I have before, not usually

29.

A weekend in Las Vegas or Key West?
Vegas

30.

When you go to the store, do you have a list or just buy random things?
both

31.

What do you wear to sleep in?
whatever
nothing binding ehhehe

32.

You have 3 months left to live, what do you do?
i suppose I wouldn't want to know, that's awfully pressuring innit?

33.

You're having a bad day, what's one thing can make your day better?
laughing at something

34.

Whats worse:Tanning bed or Sun Rays?
what was the name of that reallllllly old self tanner... man i have to look that up. My mother used to talk about Man Tan..I am picturing one with a big ol sun on the bottle

35.

Is there anything you would change about your body if you could?
you know that chick in Pulp Fiction that wishes she had a potbelly....well she can have mine!

36.

You wake up in an unfamiliar place, what is your first reaction?
WTF!

37.

Is there anything that you should be doing right now?
not really

38.

If there was a way to know when and how you're going to die, would you like to find out?
hell no

39.

What is your favorite breakfast food?
blueberry pancakes

40.

Your phone rings at 4am, who do you expect it to be?
something awful

Friday, 3 October 2008

BB in E F F E C T

Greg: She's real popular, so I figure I better look really heavy!
Alice: I look really heavy no matter what I wear!

Friday, 26 September 2008

this is what happened when i put a bit of the story i wrote into the website mark v. shaney at your service





Really, I still wouldn’t mind being a rock singer- except for the fact that I think about it, I guess I use to make the call; there was enough.
I took the sheets with soap, I was saying, I began to have second thoughts about this marriage thing as I was saving myself for marriage.
I wasn’t really intending to, it just turned out that way.
I know that sounds absolutely nuts to say in this day and age, but I’m not being fair, but I was saying, I began to have second thoughts about this marriage thing as I was “something special”.
Now that I might have made a mistake in marrying Steve as I was a phone right beside the toilet.
To me that seemed really odd.But now I think I know what that means.
It was playing that Neil Diamond song, ‘I Am, I Said’.
I never really crossed anything off the list; I just keep a pack around for special occasions, with this kind of a more cheerful Neil Diamond song.
And I said to him, “I thought you quit.” And he goes, “no one heard at all, not even the chair”?

See wikpedia entry on Mark V Shaney if you are thinking WTF. I think they use the Markov chain to compose all HR documents for big corporations.

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

వెన్ ఐ గో తో మా's

When I go to Ma's something out of the ordinary is bound to happen. Such as feeding peanuts to goats, or holding a baby chick who had the top of its scalp pecked off...so that it looks like some kind of brain-exposed zombie-chick that's adorable yet deadly.

Monday, 8 September 2008

Paul Williams as Don Quixote

hrm?

Fantasy Island
Episode 68. Paul Williams fantasy is to be chivalrous and he becomes Don Quixote to Bosley from Charlie's Angels's Sancho Panza. Meanwhile a plain Jane woman has a fantasy of being a sex symbol, only to be interviewed by Doug Llewellin (sp) from People's Court and then nearly gang raped by a trio including Edd "Kookie" Burns aka Vince Fontaine from Grease. This right here is some fucked up shit. If you have Comcast (which I hate) check your on demand, under TV Entertainment, Tube Time.

Then watch ep. 66, poignant story featuring Tom Wopat, and a romantical story featuring Michelle Phillips as a mermaid and yes, indeed....Mr Roarke. Ricardo Montalban...Khan....feel his wrath, caress his rich Corinthian Leather.

Sunday, 3 August 2008

Patrick Swayze Chippendale Centaur Tattoo

hells yes

Friday, 1 August 2008


DSC03617, originally uploaded by melindadlt.

baby, you make my heart beat faster


DSC03594(1)a, originally uploaded by melindadlt.

Bridezilla


DSC03575(1)a, originally uploaded by melindadlt.

Friday, 25 July 2008

also, i'm sorry but


this dress is butt ugly wtf were they thinking?

Plus it was that annoying douche who refers to himself in the third person PLEASE LEAVE NOW!

Starting tomorrow afternoon...


I'mo be a MRS
holy frijoles
and
holy schnikes
and
ravioli?holy cannolli!

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Accident-prone in the week leading up to the wedding

Last time I was at Ma's, I went out to see her chickens, she has one named Sweet Pea that is really tame and likes to be held. I was sitting there holding her and one of the frickin' roosters flew up and perched on my head, digging it's claws into my scalp. Then it crowed, and I said get this sucker off my head before it shits on me. Yesterday, Ben and his niece and I all skinned various body parts going down the slide at Cordonices Park. THis thing is an accident waiting to happen. Witness the photo my sister in law took:

Then, today at work I tripped and almost fell face first into the SHred-It container, I stopped myself with my hand, nearly spraining my wrist. Yeah. So this'll be me at the wedding, like the lil doggie:

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

Okay...

I'm better, the wedding will be fine and I will stop bitching about it.



and that's the straight poop. I didn't realize I had somehow linked this to facebook and now I am bitching very openly. How the heck to i undo it?

Monday, 14 July 2008

Is it too late to elope in Vegas?

fuck! We were trying to keep this wedding. simple but it snowballed, and the catering is $2000 what the fuck? Maybe we should order Pizza Hut 5 dollar pizza's instead. I thought this shit was supposed to be fun but without money it is something that makes you wanna pull your hair out. Argh. Well, shit.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

Girls Gone Idlewild

I just called my mother at 9:40 and it woke her up...it must rock to be retired. When she was working she was up at the crack of dawn, day off or not. Lately I am getting no sleep and it shows. I am cleaning and internetting and listening to Idlewild...man was I disappointed in the movie... I love the album and the movie hardly had any music in it, I wanted a full out musical. CALL THE LAW oh man I love that song. Not in the movie. The beginning seemed really cool and I had already heard the album a million times so I was picturing what would happen, and nothing was like I expected. Still I love OutKast and the only thing I ever won in my life was all their CD's, courtesy of Buzznet. Can't believe buzznet even had that outKast promotion..all the eyeliner boys and techicolored hair starlets of questionable stardom that they promote these days.

Sunday, 6 July 2008

Heidi Cuntrag and Spencer Twat

please tell me that she is a joke...could a real person be this stupid???


(courtesy of AP)(July 1) - 'Hills' villain Heidi Montag thinks very highly of herself.

The reality-tv star, whose feud with the show's protagonist Lauren Conrad is the reason most tune in to watch, likens herself to Jesus, when discussing the fight between herself and Conrad, which started when Conrad accused Montag and her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, of spreading rumors about an alleged sex tape between Lauren and her ex.

"I don't even want to talk about that. There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn't matter to me," Montag tells USA Today.

In the same interview, the wannabe singer discusses her ideals on religion.

Montag considers herself "the most religious person," says she is a "kind of non-denominational Baptist," and is planning a trip to Africa with Pratt to "feed children and help build things."

Friday, 4 July 2008

also I think I hate

Perez Hilton even more that Paris Hilton. At least me makes money for doing *something* but don't fuck with Frances Bean you stupid hanger-on douchebag.

I am so neurotic about my weight and what my body looks like

in pictures, and i have gained a lot in the last year. For my wedding photos they are going to have to artfully hide me behind flowers and stuff like Ann Wilson in Heart videos.

Monday, 30 June 2008

I am drinking Martini and Rossi Asti Spumante out of a beer glass through a straw

cuz i am just that trashy. Actually I've applied a lip balm called Sexy Motherpucker that is supposed to swell your kisser up so you look like Angelina Jolie or something. It gives your mouth a weird feeling like numbness combined with someone drumming their fingertips against your mouth. It doesn't look any fuller so far, just way too shiny like saran wrap. There's 8 bucks well spent.

Anyway I am drinking the champagne to celebrate the fact that the wedding plans are mostly in order and the end of the stress is in sight. I am being all girly too, I actually bought some nail polish. Hot pink, bright orange, electric glittery blue, and black. I love the 80's.

I crack up every time I go to Target, cuz I used to work there and when I did, I would come in and people that worked there would always make eye-contact...recognizing the hideous red/khaki combo outfit. Ya go in there as a civilian and people that work there will do anything to avoid making eye contact with you, lest you are about to ask them a question or something. This worked out well today, cuz I didn't bother with any makeup and looked rather broken out and ruddy. Besides, there are only a very small group of peeps at that target that I liked...the Stockton target crew was much nicer.

I am so happy I had an extra day off this week, I like just goofing off whenever I can.

Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Like a kiddie scissors class cut it up for a paper doll

I ruined one of my favorite dresses last week at the laundromat. I hate their stupid industrial strength machines. Tore it apart. Blah.

In other complaints, I sunburned my scalp.

It was at my nephew-in-laws graduation. IT was fun though, and I spent an inordinate amount of time holding a baby. I am not the kind of person that is all "oh can i hold the baby?" to everyone...but my brother in law's friend set him on the ground (i dunno how old he was, but just old enough to stand up while holding on for support) on top of the playground-covering pieces of bark. And he was looking at them with an eye like he was about to eat them. And I ran up to him just as he was about to put a cigar-band-i-shit-you-not in his mouth. So I said "awwww could i hold the baby?" and carried the lil bugger around. He was pretty happy and friendly though.

So that's it from here.

Also, RIP Cyd Charissesuch an elegant lady...

Sunday, 8 June 2008

Albany Twin Theater

Ben's former co-worker Andy made this...I found it on the Albany Twin's myspace...so funny and Ben is even in it.


Saturday, 7 June 2008

I Bled Chocolate!



I am super restless today...I am on my lunch break but it is about to end. I am tired of talking about chocolate. I am also tired of trying to stretch my tour out longer cuz it never works. If people are all interested and asking questions and stuff it's cool...but when people come in and see the chairs and realize that they are going to be listening to a lecture before they see any machines...and you see them looking like "oh man.." that bites, and then I can't stretch the tour out any longer than normal. This lady was actually falling asleep today. I feel like it's my punishment for falling asleep in churches.

Thursday, 5 June 2008

When life hands you lemons, just say "fuck these lemons" and bail!



That was the best quote in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I just saw it last night with Kel at the Cerrito. Good theater: pizza and beer. What more do you need. I am trying to be more of a girl having girls night out etc...this is hard. Men are easier to talk to than women. I don't have kids, I don't plan on having kids, I am excited about the party aspect of the wedding but I hate trying to sort out the details. I am sick of people asking me about it because no one seems to relate to my opinion on it. People want to help but then act surprised by how little money I am willing to fork over on this. I don't have a theme. I don't wear sparkly diamonds and i fucking love this ring Ben got me...diamondless and beautiful. If i want something sparkly I can always wear my great aunties old rings...and they are too fancy to me for everyday wear. So don't look down your nose at me for that. I am having fake flowers because who needs the pain in the ass of a florist. This wedding planning shit is by far the most feminine thing I have ever had to do (except for tampons but that goes without saying). I've got to get favors together....I have to register...that isn't so fun. We already have plates and stuff and i am that weird kind of person that gets sentimentally attached to inanimate objects and doesn't want to throw anything away until it's beyond repair. So there is nothing to register for except expensive shit no one would buy. Can I register somewhere to have people pay towards our bills? Or more specifically mine, cuz I am a danger with a credit card boy I'll tell ya.

I have some faux-floral centerpiece things from Jean and they are too white. So right now i am trying to think of a way to incorporate bright colors and leopard print.

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

Money is the God of our country


1) Are you wearing a necklace?
no

2) Do you like someone right now?
many people


3) Who is the main person(s) you talk to at work?
asshole customers hahh no Albert and Stacie Robin or Larry


4) Ever been to Vegas?
yes once with Cora and her family and once with my family, to see Van Halen..


5) Did you know that May 16th is National Piercing Day?
my how fascinating

6) How did you do on your last test?
'twas a pregnancy test and i passed (NOT PREGNANT!)

7) What song are you listening to?
no song we are discussing overtime in sports and when I went to see the Sharks in 1995 IRBE IRBE

8) What was the last mall you went to and when?
if bay street counts to see sex and the city with my sister (Cory that posted the survey on myspace had the same answer as me)

9) Buy anything?
3 dollar earrings

10) Do you have any older siblings?
yes

11) What is the last thing you ate?
a cookie

12) Who was the last person to come over to your house?
Lisa came in to see it on Friday

13) Who was the last person to call you?
Ena

14) Who was the last person who texted you?
an advertiser

15) Do you hold grudges?
no and people need to stop doing that shit cuz they are only tormenting themselves...suck a dick

16) What should you be doing?
registering

17) Who is the last person you sent a text message to?
your mother

18) Did you go out to eat yesterday?
got some KFC to go, bad idea :P

19) What are you thinking about right now?
SSDD

20) What color are your shorts?
blue

22) What do you feel like eating/drinking?
Indian Food/beer


23) Are you in college?
no

24) What is the last message you wrote?
are you talking about fucking text messages again?

25) Are you bored?
nah i am overstimulated

26) How many teeth do you have?
enough to chew

27) Ever had a cast for a broken bone?
no

29) What color are your shoes?
i am barefoot

30) Favorite pen color?
black sharpie

31) Last thing you drank?
PBR

32) Favorite card game?
Oh Hell

33) Who do you love?
my family

34) Do you yahoooooooo?
yeah for unladenswallowproductions.com

35) What are you doing right now?
listening to Ben mock Rob Zombie

36) Favorite cookie?
chocolate chip

37) Do you know how to spell bananas?
this shit is bananas

38) What're the last words you said?
i'm trying to brush up on my improvisational skills

39) Do you have clothes on?
yes

40) Do you have boxers on?
nope

41) Do you like llamas?
Yes especially the ones that directed Monty Python and the Holy Grail


42) Do you have a cut on your pointer finger?
no
i have a cut on my thumb


43) Where is your cell phone?
in my purse i think

44) Do you have any friends named Skylar?
no but I love a Globetrotter called Meadowlark and that nearly rhymes...wait no it's doesn't

46) Do you have any friends named Alex?
Mr Vance

47) Are you afraid of the dark?
nope the darker the better, i am afraid of the semi-light where that sweatshirt on the chair looks like a dismembered arm.

48) Did you used to watch "Are you afraid of the dark"?
no but i just read that question a second ago and thought wasn't that a tv show once


49) Does your computer have a mouse?
it does indeed



50)When's the last time you had a birthday cake? may 25th at the park

Thursday, 15 May 2008

tick tock tick tock tick tock


Is it just me or is ol Madge starting to take fashion cues from Big Rosie Greenbaum? Don't want to diss her though, a catchy new song despite the deadly Timber-duo, her body is fab...she is a good workout motivator.

I am about to rewatch A Fish Called Wanda, i can't believe that movie is 20 years old...I love it!

The temperature here is somewhere between sauna and eternal damnation.

Sunday, 11 May 2008

Random things that are making me laugh

Woman to small child in toilet stall "where are you in your progress?"

Me to customer "the one with the crack in it is almond. I mean the crack...in the chocolate...d'oh"

Customer "Maddie likes nuts"

Thursday, 1 May 2008

the dumbest phrase I have read all day!

"Of course, we look forward to hearing from you every month and we were disappointed when we realized that last month's payment has not arrived yet." Target Visa

Ha. Ima start writing them letters since they really enjoy hearing from me.

*later*

I just wrote one. You know I used to work in the correspondence department of a collection agency, and we would get some interesting letters. Sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes gut-bustingly sarcastic, and sometimes just foul and abusive. I wrote the middle kind to Target and I hope somebody gets a laugh. And sends me a giftcard.

Wednesday, 9 April 2008

open letters to random persons and blah blah blah

Dear Old Chinese Man That Comes Around At 7 AM to Grab the Bottles and Cans from our Recycling:
Dude, gimme your address and I will bring that shit to you. You are waking me up on my day off. And we are paying for this big ass recycling container and by the time you are done with it, there are just bits and scraps of cardboard and I can recycle that at work. WTF are we paying for the recycling for at this point?

Dear Corporate Douchenozzle that is about to make us get up hella early saturday to go listen to his bullshit:
Our store is small. Really really small. I know they pay you the big bucks for completely redundant crap but c'mon, really...Zones that we are assigned to us to cover for periods of time? At Target, I understand that. In our tiny store WTF. The store is like the size of my living room and bedroom and sometimes hours will pass with NO CUSTOMER (at the store, not my bedroom hehehe oh man i sounded like a hooker). You are ruining a job that was otherwise pretty good, and making our disgruntled co-worker act even more disgruntled (speaking of him, I have had to do a hell of a lot more at other jobs for less pay so you might as well chill out.)

Dear Comcast: YOU SUCK

Okay enough bitcheryThere is that channel Oxygen and I swear it was a Roseanne marathon all day. I only lasted 4 episodes. I hate commercials. I especially hate that one with the wretched little girl that goes "i don't like chicken, i don't like broccolli, I don't think i liiiike (whatever, cuz i usually mute it by then) then her mom gives her some nasty supplement drink cuz she is so fucking picky and her mother doesn't discipline her. Hey I am bitching again. I liked Roseanne til the cheese slipped off her cracker and she started doing stupid episodes.

Wednesday, 2 April 2008

a good way to insult someone with a mohawk

"he's just running around like a toilet brush!"- Chef Gordon Ramsay, Hells Kitchen.

Thursday, 20 March 2008

lake muh lack


They say that we do not say anything apart in the Common no common land to the beginning of to have and we you fall, the world between us came, which our lives came between us, but I know that you are not interested straight and I said, what about "breakfast with Tiffanys? She said, "I thinks that I remind me of the film, and during I recall, I, we think, the two liked it a bischen." And I said, "well, who am the one thing, those, we have." I see you - whom only who could do now me and, your eyes see by me, which I estimate that I was so wrong, which now? To see it is normal that we more rueber its and I hate, when things surplus are - when will as much annuliert leave and I said, what over "breakfast with Tiffanys? She said, "I thinks that I remind me of the film, and during I recall, I, we think, the two liked it a bischen." And I said, "well, who am the one thing, those, we have." They say that we do not say anything apart in the Common no common land to the beginning of to have and we you fall, the world between us came, which our lives came between us, but I know that you are not interested straight and I said, what about "breakfast with Tiffanys? She said, "I thinks that I remind me of the film, and during I recall, I, we think, the two liked it a bischen." And I said, "well, who am the one thing, those, we have."

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

me me me how do you like it how do you like it

(neurotic and pms-ing)


I am not thrifty by any stretch of the imagination. I will plan what gas station i go to based on the likelihood that my tank will become bone-dry and the proxitimity of the gas station to my destination. I will fill it all the way, even if i am low on money, so as to lengthen the amount of time between gas station visits. (today there were two guys inexplicably selling ukuleles in front of the station) If there is an atm at the convinience store, by god i will spend the 2 dollar service charge to use it, rather than driving out of the way to go to the B of A (ps: what is with their new sign that is bright red all over, i hate it)

I blog on here rather than myspace when i know that it will likely only be read by people who like me enough to bother to come to this page. And not pissy beotches that talk smack.

Is it lame that one of my pastimes has become making custom page designs? for stupid myspace and crap? i enjoy the heck out of it, it's like drawing or painting but i'm good at it (i suck at painting and drawing is a toss up). I just don't know how to post ones for other people to use.

I am an obsessive proofreader of my own material. I just made 5 changes to the above paragraphs for typos. And yet there are probably some i missed.

I'm my own worst critic.

I'm my own grandpa.

I'm nostalgic for old times and i fear that the world is marching itself straight into the toilet.

I want a baby for company, but I don't want to put a baby through having me as a mother.

Above is one of the many reasons I have to love my cat more than most peeps probably do.


I have a lil crush on Mos Def

I want to see Be Kind Rewind...finally I am going to see Juno tonight!!!

Thursday, 21 February 2008

Disasteretous

lately i can't write much, i want to get my creative j

Thursday, 14 February 2008

pictures i stole from flees bulletin

zwani.com myspace graphic comments

What is so loving about a raccoon safecracking and committing a felony?




zwani.com myspace graphic comments

This kid plans on tying you up and then pistol whipping you into being his love. How romantic.




zwani.com myspace graphic comments

Yet another raccoon thief. What in the world is going on here?




zwani.com myspace graphic comments

Don't be insulting and maybe I will.




zwani.com myspace graphic comments

I have no comment... you can only imagine.




zwani.com myspace graphic comments

Why so smug? Am I supposed to drop to my knees and proclaim just how unworthy I am of your love? I'm so honored to be yours dear sir!!! You're a stinky woodland creature, get over yourself!




zwani.com myspace graphic comments

Immonna beat you until you love me. And how!trong>

Monday, 11 February 2008

If you're bored

Subject: photo survey fun
Body: 1. go to photobucket.com.
2. type in your answer.
3. only use the first two pages.
4. copy the html and paste here.
5. have fun.

1. What is your first name?
Jamie :)


2. When is your birthday?

Month of May

3. What kind of car do you have?


toyota


4. Where do/did you go to school?
ahs


5. Who is your best friend?
Ben
ENA
AND
MINKA
ahahhahah

6. What's your favorite color?

Sky Blue Pink

7. Who's your celebrity crush?

Dr. House

jack sparrow




8. What's your favorite song?

?

9. What's your favorite movie?

Fisher King



Publicity still
star wars


10. Who's your favorite Disney Princess?
Mermaid


11. What is your favorite brand of jeans?

levis

12. What's your favorite vacation spot?

disneyland

13. What's your favorite dessert?

ice cream
14. What are you most afraid of?

tragedy

15. What do you wanna be when you grow up?
happy

16. What's your favorite time of day?



17. Who do you love most in life?

family




18. What's your favorite accessory?

camera

19. One phrase to describe yourself.
red