I am getting more and more determined about getting that apartment, dammit! My friend rents there... there has to be some kind of catch or else it is too good to be true because the lanlord may come down in price. This tells me to be extra cautious. But I want it. Oh poor car.. I can't afford to keep it in that circumstance, though. Blarghhh! So many options. ANd what am I doing with my life!!!

I looked at a vacant apartment yesterday, it was so nice and I felt really bummed out about it afterward. Because I could not afford it unless I sell my car. And even then it would be just barely affordable. I don't know what to do.

Break at work, what to do? Oh yeah- this!!! It has just been an unusually boring work day. You know, I complain about not having a dating life but it is a total Catch-22 because the minute I start seeing someone I get all neurotic and annoying. Which is what I am now. So either way I am screwed!!! Shit!!!!!

Ah yes another day another dollar:


I am very nervous, and it has nothing to do with work. It is a nervous feeling in my heart and the pit of my stomach. Nervous in a good way, though. Hmmmm, what's that mean????

*SHAMELESS PLUG* for something that probably doesn't require me plugging it, but anyway- for anyone who liked "This is Spinal Tap" you gotta have the DVD. Oh ma gah could you die!!! It is chock full of stuff and it is all good! Know how lots of DVD's have deleted scenes and them you watch em and you're like "OK I see why they deleted that." Not so here. It is badass! It goes to eleven! HELLO CLEVELAND! Can I just say Christopher Guest rules and for some reason I think he is just adorable in that Jeff Beck-looking wig.

auxilio

Here is something interesting in a before and after kind of a way...

Before:


After:

In the dixie cups of despair...

I don't think I will ever make an important decision without consulting Flavor Flav, who is a repulsive oracle and tongue depressor. He can predict the future with innocent and jejune accuracy. He told my teacher the exact day she would fall off a Metamucil and break her booty. It was also he that predicted her unborn child would be a nail clipper. He told me that I would inherit a hundred thousand executives and should use it to take a long trip to the bathroom where I will meet my future chocolate. And once, when my aunt lost her favorite ring, he told her to look under the toilet paper. She not only found the ring there, but discovered three sushis and her used Q-tip.

Ok, that was in an old Mad Libs book I found... in case you thought I was completely mental.

Okay I really need to get over this insomnia-type thing. I used to go to sleep around ten thirty, now I am up in excess of midnight and the problem is I have to get up at five thirty. This is not good for my state of mind.

Sometimes I watch the TV and it depresses me because I don't have anything better to do. And then I think about a lot of other people that are watching the TV at the same time, that is what it is there for. I think about people who say "get a life", exactly what would that entail, ya know? (how do you spell entail, it looks really weird.) The thing is, we all have lives. The question is what the fuck are we supposed to do with them? Sometimes you have a good idea what it is you'd like to do, but other stuff gets in the way like money, where you live, commitment to your family, etc. And what makes one person's life better than another?

I feel like a nerd a lot because I like certain things a lot, entertainment-wise. And it seems really geeky. But I once read something that Kevin Smith, the director, said. He was saying how people are sports fanatics, or art fans... they don't get put down for it. But if you like movies a lot you get called a dork. Or told to get a life.

This weekend I spent a lot of time talking to someone a lot older than me that I have had a crush on for about a year. He is unsure of what he is doing with his life, too. He watches TV all the time. He is interesting to talk to and he has a lot of viewpoints that are similar to mine. At the same time he is kind of bitter and sarcastic and it feels like you can't really trust him 100%. Like he is going to say something about you later, rudely... even though he kind of understands you and maybe recognizes something about you that other people might not see right off the bat. He said that he could tell in that I was the type of person that was never part of a particular clique and had all different types of friends. Sometimes when someone sees you like how you feel you want to cry or maybe crawl into a hole. It is beautiful and horrible at the same time. I don't like to connect with people for fear of getting hurt later. It is hard to like a person more than they would ever like you. Not just in romantic relationships, either... I think my older niece and nephew are so cool and I wonder it they didn't ever see me again- would they even miss me??
I think that he (who I was talking about before) is good to know but I don't trust him. I thought it was cute that he carried a picture of his cat in his wallet until I thought to hard and came out with maybe he carries the picture because chicks will think it is cute. Because he certainly seems like that type. He is a bartender and says that it isn't true that bartenders get laid all the time. But you know what, I bet it is not for lack of trying... you know what I am saying? So, therefore...But I like talking to him and he is like me in that he is trying to pass the time and have fun doing that whenever possible. It makes me really understand how people get hooked on alcohol. When I am drinking I feel happy and appreciate what is happening that very moment. And I see the goodness in people really strongly for some reason. It is like when you are a little kid and you don't realize there is a lot of other shit to worry about. You just see right then and there and you have a good feeling in your heart.

Someone is more obsessed than me. Who would have thought? Now my desktop has "Oz" wallpaper. Thank you drooling fan whomever you might be.

I was going to write about things that happened this weekend but my train of thought has derailed completely. I think maybe sometimes when there is a lot to say I am better off not saying anything at all. No..wait...I'm just lazy. Yeah, that's the ticket.

I am having one of those sporadically good and then bad weeks. I am nauseous and tired. I have had insomnia the whole week, I can't fall asleep until late and then I wake up at 4 am unable to go back to sleep. I am restless with too many thoughts kicking around in my head. And I can't even organize them into an interesting paragraph. I suppose I am depressed, but sometimes I am in a sarcastic mildly amusing ah-such-is-life kind of funk. This is a boring dull whiny not getting anything done type of one. Well, shit. At least tomorrow is Friday.