Tuesday, 9 April 2002

Sometimes I watch the TV and it depresses me because I don't have anything better to do. And then I think about a lot of other people that are watching the TV at the same time, that is what it is there for. I think about people who say "get a life", exactly what would that entail, ya know? (how do you spell entail, it looks really weird.) The thing is, we all have lives. The question is what the fuck are we supposed to do with them? Sometimes you have a good idea what it is you'd like to do, but other stuff gets in the way like money, where you live, commitment to your family, etc. And what makes one person's life better than another?

I feel like a nerd a lot because I like certain things a lot, entertainment-wise. And it seems really geeky. But I once read something that Kevin Smith, the director, said. He was saying how people are sports fanatics, or art fans... they don't get put down for it. But if you like movies a lot you get called a dork. Or told to get a life.

This weekend I spent a lot of time talking to someone a lot older than me that I have had a crush on for about a year. He is unsure of what he is doing with his life, too. He watches TV all the time. He is interesting to talk to and he has a lot of viewpoints that are similar to mine. At the same time he is kind of bitter and sarcastic and it feels like you can't really trust him 100%. Like he is going to say something about you later, rudely... even though he kind of understands you and maybe recognizes something about you that other people might not see right off the bat. He said that he could tell in that I was the type of person that was never part of a particular clique and had all different types of friends. Sometimes when someone sees you like how you feel you want to cry or maybe crawl into a hole. It is beautiful and horrible at the same time. I don't like to connect with people for fear of getting hurt later. It is hard to like a person more than they would ever like you. Not just in romantic relationships, either... I think my older niece and nephew are so cool and I wonder it they didn't ever see me again- would they even miss me??
I think that he (who I was talking about before) is good to know but I don't trust him. I thought it was cute that he carried a picture of his cat in his wallet until I thought to hard and came out with maybe he carries the picture because chicks will think it is cute. Because he certainly seems like that type. He is a bartender and says that it isn't true that bartenders get laid all the time. But you know what, I bet it is not for lack of trying... you know what I am saying? So, therefore...But I like talking to him and he is like me in that he is trying to pass the time and have fun doing that whenever possible. It makes me really understand how people get hooked on alcohol. When I am drinking I feel happy and appreciate what is happening that very moment. And I see the goodness in people really strongly for some reason. It is like when you are a little kid and you don't realize there is a lot of other shit to worry about. You just see right then and there and you have a good feeling in your heart.