Thursday, 3 February 2005

also, I think I am avoiding looking into work and school. d'oh! i better get back on track!

Kris had me depressed, saying he felt like he was holding me back from finding someone to settle down and have kids with. The thing is, I really do want kids but I feel like I would be a terrible mother. I think I am too immature myself. And of course I would not want to have kids unless I was in a stable career and felt like I could support at family. I pick terrible men to be in love with. Either selfish, or like Kris, struggling and kind and good to me but doesn't want what I want in the end. At least he respects me and doesn't make fun of my taste in music or think me less of a person for being lazy or watching TV just to get my mind off things. I am too weird to settle down with a regular guy. I have tried, Lord how I've tried. I had a boyfriend at 18 that would have done anything, moved anywhere, probably would have worked while I stayed at home with the kids. But I wasn't ready. And also, when anyone is too nice it freaks me out. I can't stand being catered to. I need someone with an opinion of their own, but who can respect and not belittle my opinion. Usually I am happiest when I am single. But I hate to think of losing Kris. I feel like I never move forward in life. I can be doing okay for a little while then I am back to square one with what the fuck am I doing and feeling worthless. I don't keep any friends. I am terrible about staying in touch. Every group of friends I've had has been just for a period of time and then it fades away. WHY AM I WRITING ALL THIS?

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