Saturday, 11 August 2001

"Good times come and good times go... I only wish the good times would last a little longer" -Social Distortion.
It's the story of my life too, I guess. Lately I am falling into a depression for no apparent reason. It's not like sadness about my father or something that happened but rather that irritating feeling of I can't get out of bed, I can't do anything right. Pissing and moaning. Which I thought I had passed for good but I guess it's never really completely gone. And it is extremely frustrating. It is making me start to hate my job... there is nothing creative about my job and it sucks up so much of my energy that I'm unable to do anything creative in my spare time. I just feel dazed. And I feel kinda overwhelmed with being social, I am just not a very social person and I am forced into it by the nature of my job. And then with staying with my mother... it's like I never get any time to myself. I wish I could afford to live alone again. And the other thing is I have a particular friend that is phoning me so much and I am not real into talking on the fuckin' phone all the time. And it makes me feel mean but it's like have a purpose for calling, don't just be all "what's up? what are you doing? I'm bored" I can't deal with that at this point. And I love her but all the calling is just becoming intrusive to me. I don't feel a need to be talking non-stop and I always fall in with people who do or people who get all neurotic about not being out doing something. No one ever understands that I like to write or that sometimes I would prefer to be by myself whether at home or going out for a movie or something. It drives me fuckin' crazy. It's like my last roomate, she couldn't sit still for five minutes and she always had to have a couple guys at least to string along just so that her phone would ring. I don't get it. This is what is nice so far about Erik, who I've been seeing real casually. He has plenty of shit that he likes to do and he likes to be by himself too and he only calls if he has a reason for calling. And the times that we hang out we are able to shut up sometimes and it's not awkward or anything. It's like what Mia is saying in "Pulp Fiction" about being able to comfortably share silence. Which is cool. I'm glad that I decided to get in touch with Erik because I almost didn't bother, I almost said fuck it, I don't want to date another musician. But he seems different and besides I already realize that anyone who is in a band will always always put that first. And at this point that's fine with me. It is cool to be seeing a guy where we are attracted to each other but neither one of us is all desperate for a commitment or anything. You know what drives me crazy though about going to see bands is I always think what fun it would be to sing. But I don't think I can sing very good. Actually my friend Cleo was talking about making a girl band that covers a famous band. Like Hell's Belles or AC/Dshe or whatever that is. I think that's two different bands? Or is it one and they had changed their name? Hmm... anyway I was thinking if I could sing in one I would looove to sing in one that did Misfits covers. OOh that would pull me out of my depressed slump. (for now I have decided to start exercising like a madman. that's supposed to improve your mood. couldn't hurt)

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