Tuesday, 15 August 2006

oh for fuck's sake

*note to casual reader: this is mainly complaining about work so you are totally excused if you would rather look at something else. go on, go! plus, it is poorly punctuated and i can't bring myself to capitalize the beginning of every sentence

*note to self: is there a casual reader out there,

*note to reader again: this might improve at the end

i tell ya, just when i was saying i will really miss my job if i move...we get some dumbass new manager and lame new way of running the photo lab. this manager, i swear she is straight out of business college with her "how can we be proactive about this" and "let me see if i am hearing you right" ...fuck that shit, i cannot stand that bs babble...she has been there for 3 days and has managed to alienate just about everybody...to top it off she is younger than me (and i know it is shitty of me, just because i am not ambitious or career driven at all so i am in a low postition) but i can't take direction from some person that is younger than me and idealistic in an annoyingly phoney happy way. even Nick, whos is much more kind and patient with people than i am, had to laugh when i said "looks like the new manager is going to be a big improvement". Then, for the photo lab, they are installing a new system that basically tracks how fast we get everything done, and this is fucking stupid because: we don't even get all that many customers, it makes something that would only take about a minute require five additional steps, and it measures the time it takes to do things that we don't really have that much control over FOR EXAMPLE...packaging an order...if i am cutting negatives to fit in a sleeve and some person comes up to pick up their order....i would stop what i was doing and wait on them first, because that is good customer service...but with the new system it would just look like i was lagging or goofing off...i've said it before and i will say it again FUCK THAT. this job was much less corporate than many other jobs i have had, but they sure screwed that up in two shakes.

DREAMS THAT I HAD since i posted here last:

i was in my childhood home, and all the lightbulbs kept burning out

i was in a fight with my mother, and i found out she kept a blog...so i snuck a peek at it and all of her entries where about working in a beauty parlor, which she doesn't

i was the camera man on a movie, and the actor had his back to the camera, his shirt was inside-out and he had a tag on the collar that was showing the whole time... so i started yelling at people and saying "what is this? a goddamn fruit of the loom commercial?!??!"

i was in college with an important paper due right away and i didn't write it or pay any attention to the class

and now, Part 3: Cosmopolitan

every so often i buy some lame girl magazines just to let me know that i am not as lame a girl as i could be...okay i always read Jane but Jane is smart and funny...and Marie Claire fits in some good information on serious issues along with all the fluff....but Cosmopolitan, dear God, Cosmopolitan recycles the same dumb crap it's been publishing since i was a kid and i used to sneak a look at my sister's copy....

so allow me to quote some of the dumbest crap for you if you have hung in this long (if you have hung in this long, you deserve better than this, but it is all i have to offer i assure you):

Cosmo on "massages tame enough to try on him poolside or at the beach":
"THE THIGH PLEASER: Kneel between his legs, and walk your fingers from his knee, up the inner thigh, toward his package. Before you reach the promised land, stop and lightly draw your fingertips back down the inside. 'The thin skin makes it sensitive to the touch' says Patti Britton, PhD, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sensual Massage. 'Plus, the fact that you are so close to his privates in public gives him a rush'."

okay, number one- doing that in public may well be enough to prompt a complete stranger to give you $20 to "get a room"
number two- "package" and "promised land" are two of the all-time stupidest ways to say "cock"
number three- I wonder how many PhD's in the world are called Patti
number four- I totally want to write a book called Chicken Soup for the Complete Idiot

Cosmo on how to "drive him wild with words":
"Tell him what's worth seeing. Men are visual creatures, so ignite that part of his brain by using decriptive words that conjure up sexy images. For example, when you tell a story, plug in a detail about your physical self: 'My hamstrings are sore from doing downward dog last night at yoga'."

oh yeah that is great conversation right there...

Cosmo on "10 things to crave right now":
"the YSL Muse Bag, $1,995"

like i really want a purse that is worth more than my bank account

'kay that's enough, but you get the picture....

1 comment:

Alex V said...

Shiver me sporran, Lassie!
Is this what made you think of Rowdy Hot Roddy Piper?