IN Such a bad bitter mood, I need to write and write and spill out whatever crap, stupidly happy or pathetically depressing. After all, this new website makes this a little bit more anonymous, eh?
I was watching VH1 of all things and they played Johnny Cash singing Nine Inch Nails "Hurt". And it was so sad and beautiful that I wanted the lyrics. So here they are:
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
So anyway my lameness s the fact that my highlight of the week thus far was the series finale of OZ. I will miss that show. A great ending, especially bumping off Schillinger and that prick Keller. I was sad about Cyril O'Reilly, and sad at Alvarez's decline. And poor Busmalis can't knock up his little wife, and surely Tim McManus is sexually frustrated as always. So anyways, adieu to Oz- my favorite damn show.
dunno why that picture cuts off the rest of Augustus... hmmm anyway.
Having bad night- here is what i just wrote in my journal (the old fashioned paper kind) followed by the entries leading up to. I think it is safe to say that I am knee-deep in a "bad patch" right about now...
The main reason that I don't like having a boyfriend: nights like this where you have no idea where he is, and he doesn't call. And suddenly you are right back at the first feeling you ever know as a girl loving a boy- insecurity. And worry in this case, too. It is so ignorant of me to be involved with someone who puts alcohol and drugs higher (nice pun) on his list of priorities than people. Or being healthy. or being alive. Every time I have been in a major depression in my life, some fucking guy added fuel to the fire. I have been more depressed lately than I have been in a long time. I used to be able to get through the day at work thinking of it as a necessary evil. Now I just hate it. I used to be able to come home from work and be able to enjoy doing any number of things- drawing, writing. Even just watching TV or a movie used to be more pleasant. *I can't believe I used the word pleasant, i had to just read that twice- not a word I usually use, hmm* Now whn I have time to myself to do whatever, I hate everything that I can do and I am bored and I'm tired and all I can think about is how I probably have ove fifty-some-odd years left in which to bored out of my skull, disgusted with the general public, and neurotic waiting for some fucking asshole to call.
A little cheese to go with my whine?
Journal (xmas gift from Kris) begins with no date, quoting Shakira of all people.
Underneath your clothes
is an endless story
is the man I chose
is my territory
and all the things that I deserve
for being such a good girl, honey
No date also:
You're getting so fat, your innie became an outie. You're like a freakin' Cabbage Patch Kid. I'm surprised Xavier Roberts isn't tattooed on your ass.
December 31 2002
Calendar pages litter the side walk. I pray that I don't get mugged as I walk to Sinbad's...late... where I proceeded to get into a fight with this brittle bitch. An argument more or less. In that insinuating girl way. That makes it impossible for me to be a feminist. Kris is working and this "blonde, big tits... your basic nightmare" that he had the hots for is there with the raccoon-eyed cunt and both are being really snotty to me. Nice friends ya got there, bub. By midnight I am so drunk I don't even realize it is midnight til Kris gestures to me to go outside, which I do, then he grabs me and kisses me and only then do i realize that the sky is alight with fireworks.
January 5th
Football on TV. Alley on lap. Laundry in washer. Kris on bed. Life is good.
I feel like I waste a lot of my time off from work just sitting around, lazy. But who is to say if that is a waste? Maybe the waste is spending most of your time doing a job that you don't like.
LOL "what can brown do for you?"is the slogan for UPS. Yeeeesus
that reminds me of when I worked at Blockbuster and there was a stupid looking horror film called Ghoulies. The box had a photo of a monster coming out of a toilet. It's tag line was "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bathroom". And Chris (ugh) said that could be an ad for Taco Bell.
Oh, Alley wants a can. Alley is so sweet and so is Minka. I wish Minka would not freak out when we put them together..... oh the thought of it!
I'm just babbling and Kris can't listen because some footballer was "blinded by the light".
I was recalling my sister's funny little kid diary where she wrote "Oh manushevittts!" misspelling Maneshewitz and I think I just did. too. And "Balls of fun rolled up in one" as a title for the day. Today's title, for me, would be...Just as I was thinking of that I spilled my wine. So I guess "Me and My Wine" . "All I can say is, I'm doing fine, just me and my wine."
Kris's day title is "the day that Pittsburg cme back and something 49ers mumble mumble"
In 7 minutes it is time to change the laundry. And put in the load of stuff that I puked all over. I think I do drink too much, too much for me. I shouldn't even drink at all since it is a depressant and I have problems with depression. But it ding dang does feel good at the time. That ten or fifteen minute period of blissful oblivion right before you puke your guts out----
I have learned in matters of watching football (or at least, Kris watching football) that it is best not to participate actively in discussion of the sport, but to merely sit by- not watching, reading- and occasionally look up (when instructed to do so) and say "yes" "wow" "my"
Because God forbid you say something dopey or mix it up with another dull sport, then you would be rewarded with a look of utter disgust, like you are a complete idiot or something.
But Kris is my love and I don't mind the sports-related surlyness. Because he cleans up my cat's puke and my puke and takes care of me and makes me laugh more than anyone else.
Places I want to go
Maine
Australia
Fiji
New York
London again and Scotland and Ireland
Disneyworld again
Las Vegas
New Orleans
So many places, so little money.
I would love it so much just to drive all the way across the country.
I still would like to work on movies and I feel now like I have waited too long. I should try writing a screenplay like Dad suggested. Jesus I am just too fearful of being judged.
Bawls! Cack and Bawls!!
What is up with the 49ers? those rat bastards
what is with me and thinking I am dehydrated
and how much water is one supposed to drink
because I never drank water for shit when I was a kid. Unless it was mixed up with Kool Aid. But maybe that counts.
SO WHAT DO THE MEN ALL HAVE IN COMMON?
different background from me
making me laugh
alcoholic
making me stressed out
older
someone broke their heart
someone saved my life tonight, Sugar Bear
"I don't bite my nails, I chew my skin" -Kris
I do both-
Perfect execution by Jeff Garcia. Dr Jefe UH-OH!
"It's amazing what's going on right here... I don't know what's going on right here, but they'll have to tell me" -Kris
"that just makes me nutty" -football announcer
"History-making stuff" -Krispy Kreme
"it sucks!" - Kris
INterception! Incomplete!
"that could be a fumble" Kris
2nd down and ten
eastbound and down
"just put a little more 7up. Don't put any booze. Please" -me
"Ahhh! Geezus!" -Kris
"You're not writing down ahh, jesus are you?" Kris
"Blocked! Ahh! the Niners win!" Kris
"that will continue the game" announcer
"d'oh!" me
"the game is over!" announcer
"yeee-haw" Kris
"he fucked up" Kris
"heeheeheeheeehawhawhaw" Kris "apply it to whatever you do in life"
NO DATE
Starting Bridget Jones style diary because getting fat, drinking and smoking too much
165 lbs, alcohol units 1 (mild pear cider and sip of wine) Cigarettes 1/2 okay that is not much
Feel gross, ugly, fat, in pain, hate job.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Could use a few more alcohol units but think that is why getting fat. That, and no exercise.
How about Crunch gym? Cardio-striptease?
Tomorrow - starting Atkins Diet
I hope
I have no energy
No chips! No guac! No Bread! goddammit!
2-8-03
Have been very depressed, in that maddeningly vague way where I can't even put my finger on exactly what is making me upset. And prone to writing run-on sentences.
"I drink to drow my sorrows, but the damn things have learned to swim" Frida Kahlo
I am having a day to myself which is what I wanted and yet I am bored, lonely, and don't know what the fuck to do.
1-888-ANXIETY
"invisible tummy trimmer! Don't you wish that ugly bulge would just disappear?"
Yes, I do!
NUTS! thanks for reading it
and you thought Michael Jackson had issues!
